yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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