there's paper in my vomit.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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