Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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