I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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