when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
