I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
