They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
