true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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