Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
