hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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