So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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