So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
