We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
