I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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