now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
