Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
