a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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