Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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