All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
