one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
