He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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