My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
