he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
