they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
