Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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