So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
