I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
