Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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