just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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