Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
