we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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