you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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