Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
