When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
