It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
