I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
