did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
