well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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