Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
