Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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