I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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