mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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