So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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