Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
