i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
