the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
