we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
