im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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