I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
