Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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