This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
