Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
